Protecting our children.

I don't think I've mentioned this before here, but I don't see myself ever having children. Say what you will, but be warned I've heard it before. Any combination of "you're young", "wait till you're older", and "it's just because you're in college" has probably been launched at me by mothers nationwide.

It's not that I don't want kids because I hate kids. I think kids are really awesome. I'm not very good with them, but that's probably because I didn't have a lot of experience with them when I was growing up. My mom is the baby of the family by a lot of years, and that makes me the baby by a lot of years. (About six and a half, or so, and I only know this because I just called my mother in a state of panic and asked if all my cousins except me were finally in their thirties.) There were no moments of me taking care of the kids, unless you count a very short babysitting stint when I was 13 or so. (12? Who knows.)

So, sure, life plays a part in it. When it comes right down to it, though, I honestly don't have a desire to be a mother. I have friends, and have had friends for years, who knew they didn't want kids RIGHT NOW, but knew it was coming and they were looking forward to it. Even back in high school, there were people with desires to be mothers. They weren't keeping their fingers crossed for it any time soon, but even at sixteen years old they were telling me how great their kids were going to be, the type of mother or father they wanted to become, and so on. My best friend wants children more than anything, and I have always respected that.

This was cemented for me when he and I were in Central Park a few years back (I am getting the strange feeling that I've told this story before, but I'll go on) and a few kids involved him in their game. The game has been lost to time now, though he might remember, but it was a game like all kids make up. Someone's good, someone's bad, we all have to run, and we should probably squeal a lot. He was so into this game, and I just sat there on my slightly detached hillside, and I realized this was the way I wanted to be involved with kids. I felt this feeling that I honestly couldn't understand at that very moment. It was a feeling of love, combined with a vision of what I wanted my future to be. I really, really want to be a cool aunt. I want to visit and bring sweet presents (P.S., Nathan, your kids are going to be raised on Cincinnati chili and chocolate.), I want to be the one that kids run down the front steps to jump up on, I want to swing them around in the driveway and pretend I didn't bring them sweet presents. But these moments, they are special because they are fleeting.

I don't have the desire to be the main influence on a child's life. I don't want it to be me and one child forever and ever. Much to the potential grandparents' dismays, I just don't have a desire for my own kids. But to be honest, I can't wait for it to be about ten years down the line so I can convince kids of how super cool I am.

I am also not envious of parents in any way, because to be honest, kids today scare me. Hell, if I was being honest, I'd admit that my generation was probably kind of scary. High schools are filled with little 14-year-old adults that are sure their parents are stupid. I don't think I realized my mom was smarter than me until I was 18 or so. I read stories like this about 1 in 4 teenagers having an STD, and it freaks me out. I am only 22 (pushing 23), so let's not forget that I only graduated high school five years ago. It was not like that when I was in high school. I seriously, honestly did not know anyone with an STD. I'm not even saying that for my mother's benefit because I know she's reading this. Sure, I knew people who were having sex (sorry, mom), but STD's? We had a few girls in our graduating class who were pregnant and had children very shortly after or right before graduation. I went to a "smart" high school, but it was still in a very urban neighborhood, so it's silly to pretend that we were "better" than anyone. Hell, we were probably worse in a lot of ways.

I've been reading a lot of feminist blogs, and a lot of mothers' blogs, because I'm doing research for this capstone where I talk to parents about educating their little girls. I am never once envious of their situation. I can't imagine what I would say to a little girl who was thirteen years old and crying because she slept with some boy who broke her heart. It breaks my cold little heart to read stories like that. I have a friend of a friend who works at Planned Parenthood. For confidentiality's sake, I will not be sharing any specific stories, but the ones about the really young girls just hurt. A girl here in Cincinnati just had a child at ten years old (it was all over the news here if you want to look it up) and cried because she couldn't keep it.

TEN YEAR OLDS CANNOT BE MOTHERS. I do not care how you want to spin it, they just can't. As far as I'm concerned, honestly, ten year olds should be clinging to their childhood and screaming to not let it go, not looking toward being adults. I have friends whose mothers were very young when they had them, and those friends are turning out to be brilliant, amazing adults. So I'm not judging in any way, but I am scared.

In researching for my capstone, I've come across some things that make me so angry that I have to turn off the computer and go for a walk to clear my head and then come back to view it objectively. T-Shirts that say "I left my brain in my locker", "Excellent growth potential" and "Who needs brains when you have these", all directed at teenagers. Panties from Wal-Mart found in the junior's section that say "Who needs credit cards". They are enough to turn my stomach and make me cry.

I graduate in just over three months, and I really feel like I need this upcoming break. My capstone is inside my head, and I just need a couple of days to not think about it. This is the last week of classes. My preliminary capstone findings are due by Monday at 1:00, and I have one final presentation on Wednesday. Then it's a week and a half where I don't have to do anything except go to the gym and lay around the house. I'll come back to my final quarter as a 23-year-old designer, I'll get my project done, my whole family will come to see me walk across a stage, and it'll be July before you know it. I'd expect "Where did five years go" posts sometime in the future.

Also, as a complete sidenote, I finished my portfolio and it's all ready to go. You can check it out at http://www.jenrizzo.com.